The Great Escape
by JaimeBlue
Summary: The way series 8 should have ended :
1. Default Chapter

The Great Escape

Disclaimer: They don't now nor have they ever belonged to me :)   
  


Yep, I'm a sucker for punishment, aren't I :)   
  


Part 1 is written in script form. Part 2 is a sequel, and it's written in prose.   
  
The Great Escape 

(Starts with outer shot of _Red Dwarf_) 

(Office of Captain Hollister)   
  


**Hollister:** Come in. Yes, Shelby...would you like a donut? 

**Shelby:** No Sir, thank you Sir. 

**Hollister: **But they're really good. 

**Shelby: **No thank you Sir. Sir, our scanners have picked up a disturbance in space. 

**Hollister: **I guess that's bad. All right, I'll check it out...as soon as I'm finished my donut.   
  


(Hollister walks onto bridge-like area)   
  


**Hollister: **Ensign, what have you got to report? 

**Ensign:** I don't really know what it is Sir, but whatever it is, there's some kind of ship that is coming out of it. 

**Hollister: **We'll wait a moment until we can judge its intentions. 

**Ensign: **Sir, the vessel is hailing us. 

**Hollister: **Well, answer it.   
  


(On the screen, the space scene was soon replaced by the vessel's cockpit, whose inhabitant had a strange resemblance to Arnold Rimmer, but much better looking)   
  


**Ace:** Captain Hollister, the name's Ace, Ace Rimmer. I'd like to come aboard your ship and visit for a short while. 

**Hollister:** Of course, our ship is your ship. Ensign, signal the cargo bays that Ace will be coming aboard. 

**Ace:** See you in a jiff. 

**Hollister: **I've just met the man, but what a guy.   
  


(In a cargo bay. Ace's ship has just landed and Hollister is there to meet him)   
  


**Hollister: **Ace, it's a pleasure to meet you. 

**Ace: **I know. While I'm here, I was hoping to visit with some old friends of mine, but unfortunately they've been put in jail since I last saw them. That won't be a problem, now will it? 

**Hollister: **It will be of no problem at all, Ace. Just out of curiosity, I don't suppose you're at all related to an Arnold Rimmer, eh? 

**Ace: **Me, related to a gimboid like that?! You must be kidding. 

**Hollister: **Forgive me, I should have known better. Let me escort you to our best quarters, and then we can find your friends.   
  


(They walk out, Ace rolling his eyes at Hollister) 

(Ace is in an apartment sized room. The door opens and Security officers escort in Lister, Kochanski, the Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer)   
  


**Lister: **Ace! Man, it's good to see you again. 

**Ace: **Hello, Scooter. You're still in one piece I see. You can uncuff them and leave us.   
  


(Officers leave)   
  


**Ace: **The two of you look like you've seen a ghost. 

**Lister: **That's right. We never told Rimmer and Kochanski about you. Rimmer, Kochanski, this is Ace Rimmer. Ace, this is Arnold Rimmer and Chris Kochanski. 

**Ace: **A pleasure I'm sure. Now, there's little time for formalities. Everyone grab onto a piece of this (he holds out a strange black thingy with many knobs). It's a matter transporter, and it will take us back to my ship. 

**Lister:** You mean you're breaking us out man! Smeg, what a guy!   
  


(The group is transported onto Ace's ship)   
  


**Ace: **Now, just a couple of switches and we'll be off. 

**Cat: **Maybe it's just my beautiful eyes, but that strange thingy seems to be flashing. 

**Ace: **It's Red Dwarf security. I'll take care of them. 

**Security: **Ace Rimmer, this is Red Dwarf. Do you have clearance to leave this vessel? 

**Ace: **Of course I do. (Then smiles) 

**Security: **Oh, all right. Have a nice journey.   
  


(The doors open and Ace's ship leaves Red Dwarf's cargo bay)   
  
  
  


**Lister: **That was easy, but what's gonna happen when they realize we're gone? 

**Ace: **No problem, Scooter. We won't be here to find out. 

**Kryten: **Excuse me, Mr Ace Sir, but where are we going. 

**Ace: **We're going to pay a visit to an new old friend of mine in another dimension. While we're at it, we're going to take Kochanski home. 

**Kochanski: **Home? You mean to my universe, and to my Dave? Where everyone can clean up after themselves, eat normal foods, and can sing opera? Smegtastic! 

**Rimmer: **Don't get your hopes up. This gimboid can't get us out of a paper bag. 

**Ace: **Tell them to smoke me a kipper, I'll be back in time for breakfast.   
  


(Ace activates the inter-dimensional jump. They come out near a vessel that looks exactly like Starbug)   
  


**Ace: **(flicking a switch at the console) Scooter, I've brought you a present. 

**Dave: **Are you sure, is it really my Kochanski? 

**Kochanski: **Dave, it's me. You wouldn't believe how happy I am to hear your voice again. 

**Ace: **We'll be aboard in a matter of moments. And while you're at it, smoke me a kipper, will 'ya? 

**Dave: **What a guy. Lister out.   
  


(Ace's ship parks inside Starbug, and the two crews meet up inside)   
  


(Kochanski greets her old shipmates)   
  


**Kochanski: **I've missed you all so much. 

**Ace: **I hate to interrupt, but I was wondering if you could keep us for a day. I wouldn't mind resting up before taking these guys home. 

**Dave: **No problem. Our home is yours. I'm sure you must all be hungry. I'll have Kryten make you something to eat, and leave you to rest up. 

**Ace: **Thanks Scooter. 

**Lister: **Hmph! I thought I was Scooter. (With a smirk)   
  


(Ace, Rimmer, Lister, Cat, and Kryten are sitting in the galley, being served by the other dimension's Kryten)   
  


**Kryten2: **Will there be anything else Sirs? 

**Ace: **No thanks Kryten. Could you leave us for a while? 

**Kryten2: **Certainly Sirs. Enjoy your meals.   
  


(Kryten2 leaves)   
  


**Lister: **Okay Ace, they're all gone. Now will you tell us why we're still here? 

**Ace: **You're here so you won't die.   
  


(There is nothing but silence)   
  


**Ace: **I'll explain. In my travels I have met up with several different versions of Red Dwarf and its crew. I eventually found a Red Dwarf whose entire crew was killed in a freak accident NOT caused by Rimmer. I eventually returned to this universe and discovered that Red Dwarf had been recreated the same way as that Red Dwarf. After much inter-dimensional travel, as well as overhearing intra-ship communiques on Red Dwarf, I figured out not only that you had all been put in the brig, but the exact time that the incident would occur. I couldn't allow my friends to die there, and I had to return Kochanski to this dimension as I had promised. In one day's time, the ship will be livable again, and we can return to it. 

**Lister: **Are you saying everyone on Red Dwarf is going to die all over again? 

**Ace: **You betcha. There will be an accident involving toxic chemicals being loaded on one of the lower decks which will spread throughout the ship a cloud of poisonous gas. The safeties that would normally prevent the gas' spread will malfunction long enough to kill the crew, but will work eventually, clearing the ship of the gas within 24 hours, by my calculation, thus making it livable to us. 

**Cat: **Thanks for saving our skins man! You're quite the guy. 

**Rimmer: **(to himself) I still think he's a gimboid. 

**Kryten: **It's ingenious that you figured all that out by yourself Sir. 

**Ace: **I can't take all the credit. It always helps to have parents that are capable of creating a creature such as myself. I think we should all get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow and we'll need our rest. 

(Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat all leave) 

**Lister: **Just a moment, "Ace". You've taken to the role quite well, now haven't ya. 

**Ace: **Well, I've had quite a bit of practice. You wouldn't believe how many tries it took to get that kipper thing right. 

**Lister: **It's nice to see you again, you smeghead. 

**Ace: **I guess it's nice to see a git like you again, too. 

**Lister: **What's the real reason you came back for us? 

**Ace: **As I said. You guys are the closest things to friends I have in the universe. Everyone else of course loves "Ace", but you guys actually came to tolerate the 'real' Rimmer. 

**Lister: **Goodnight, 'Ace'.   
  


(Kryten, Lister, Rimmer, Cat and Ace are in Ace's ship. He activates the inter-dimensional thing and they travel through to meet with Red Dwarf)   
  


**Ace: **My scanners show no life signs, and no trace of poisonous gas. It's now safe to go back.   
  


(Back inside Red Dwarf)   
  


**Cat: **It's good to be home. I'd better check and see if my good suits have been touched. 

**Kryten: **My, my, with all the time we've been away, this place will need a good cleaning.   
  


(Kryten and the Cat leave the others)   
  


**Rimmer: **It wouldn't have taken so long if gimboid here hadn't taken such a long time saying goodbye to Kochanski. 

**Lister: **Rimmer, I'm never going to see her again. I had to try and get one last feel. 

**Rimmer: **Yes, and all you have left is that shiner to remember her by. 

**Lister: **It was worth it. 

**Ace: **I'm going up to check out the bridge. Rimmer, why don't you come along and help me. 

**Rimmer: **Not in your smegging life. 

**Ace: **I'll take that as a no. I'll see the two of you shortly.   
  


(Ace leaves)   
  


**Lister: **Rimmer, you should go with him. He is you after all. 

**Rimmer: **That git? He's nothing like me. Now it you'll excuse me, I'll be in a descent room that looks nothing like the brig.   
  


(Rimmer leaves)   
  


**Lister: **But he is you, Rimmer. In a lot more ways than you'd think.   
  


(Next scene. Rimmer is alone in his room, moping)   
  


**Rimmer: **Who is he trying to kid. Mr Wonderful is nothing more than a two-bit hack! If I were left in the same room as him I'd...   
  


(There is a knock on the door)   
  


**Rimmer: **I want to be alone.   
  


(Ace enters)   
  


**Ace: **Rimmer, I think we need to talk. 

**Rimmer: **I have nothing to say to you. 

**Ace: **Well, Rimmer, I have plenty to say to you.   
  


(Ace removes his wig and sits near Rimmer)   
  


**Ace: **You see Rimmer, I am the hologram Holly originally made to keep Lister company. I was based on you. I am you. 

**Rimmer: **What do you want, a smegging prize? 

**Ace: **This is hard for me to say, but I want my old life back. 

**Rimmer: **What? What are you talking about? 

**Ace: **I am not the original Ace Rimmer. When each is about to die, they seek out another Arnold Rimmer to make into Ace. I'm not dying, but I am tired of this life. The adventure, the women, the death-defying risks, the glory and fame, I'm tired of it all. 

**Rimmer: **You have got to be kidding. Only a smeghead would give up a life like that. 

**Ace: **The problem is, it's also a lonely life if you leave the only true friends you have behind, or the closest thing to it. That's why I want YOU to be the new Ace Rimmer. 

**Rimmer: **Me? I can't be Ace Rimmer! 

**Ace: **Of course you can. You're me, and I could do it. I'll even train you. I had to learn the hard way since the last Ace died before he could train me, but you'll have the advantage of all my years experience. How about it? 

**Rimmer: **You have got to be insane, giving all that up. There's nothing friendship can get you that fame and women can't. 

**Ace: **I guess it depends on the friendship. So, is that a yes? 

**Rimmer: **Well, if you're crazy for giving it all up, I guess I'd have to be a gimboid to turn it down, now wouldn't I. 

**Ace: **I knew you'd see things my way. We'll start training as soon as possible.   
  


(Several scenes pass by of Ace teaching Rimmer to act like Ace, most often unsuccessfully) 

(The new Ace Rimmer is saying goodbye to the crew of Red Dwarf in the cargo hold before taking off for parts unkown)   
  


**New Ace: **Goodbye Kryten, I'm going to miss your freshly starched shirts. 

**Kryten: **Oh, Sir, no one appreciated starch as much as you do Sir. 

**New Ace: **Goodbye Cat. Do your best to teach these other slobs how to dress, now will ya? 

**Cat: **I've been trying for years. I don't think they'll ever learn. I guess I look sooo good it's enough for all of us. 

**New Ace: **Bye Listy. Keep a chin up now. It just wasn't meant to be. 

**Lister: **I know man, but I still miss her. I'll be fine as long as I got me lager. 

**New Ace: **Arnold, what can I say? You're a complete smeghead. 

**Arnold: **I'm you. How can I be anything else. 

(New Ace gets into the ship and gets ready to take off) 

**New Ace: **Stoke me a Clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!   
  


(Arnold closes his eyes and shakes his head as the New Ace takes off, not noticing the look on Lister's face)   
  


(Arnold is in his room, when there is a knock at the door)   
  


**Arnold: **Come in. 

**Lister: **I just wanted to come in and welcome you back, Rimmer. 

**Arnold: **Back? You speak as if I've been gone. 

**Lister: **I'm not daft, man, I figured it out. You came back and switched with the human Rimmer. What I don't understand is, why? 

**Arnold: **I just got bored with it all. Ace's life is exciting, but you can take only so much of it before you just want to be normal again. 

**Lister: **I guess. Well, anyway, welcome back.   
  


(Theme song and credits) 


	2. The Great Escape, Part 2

The Great Escape -- Part II

Disclaimer: They don't now, nor have they ever belonged to me.   
  
The Great Escape Part II Lister was going mad. It had been three weeks since Ace Rimmer had saved them from the brig on Red Dwarf, three weeks since the crew died for a second time, and three weeks since Ace changed places with the human Arnold Rimmer to rejoin the crew. But he couldn't tell anyone. Only he knew the truth. Smeg, only he knew that Rimmer had taken the opportunity to become the new Ace and had left for all those adventures, rather than dying as they had all thought. 

He just couldn't figure it out. Ace's reasons for saving them was obvious. Arnold's reasons for leaving were as well. What he couldn't figure out was why Rimmer came back. He'd said he had simply grown tired of the life Ace lived, and perhaps for someone like Rimmer that was true. But he had the sneaking suspicion there was much more to it. 

Lister decided it was time he confronted the hologram. He went over to his room and knocked on the door. He opened it when Rimmer said, "come in." 

Rimmer saw the determined expression on Lister's face. He knew what was coming. The curiosity had gotten to be too much for Lister, and he was going to ask again why Rimmer had come back. Well, he wasn't going to get an answer, not while his name was Arnold J. Rimmer. 

"Hi man. How you settlin in?" Lister started. 

"I'm okay. No problems here. Is that all?" Just get it over with, Rimmer thought. 

"Before I go, I thought we should have a little talk." 

"What about?" 

"I don't believe what you told me, about coming back. I just have this feeling that there's something else goin on that you're not telling me. Come on, I thought we were chums." 

"We are, Listy. But believe me when I tell you, there's nothing going on. It's as I told you." 

"All right, if you want to play it that way." Lister smiled and left the room, only to return minutes later -- with his guitar. 

"No!" Rimmer was getting worried. "Anything but that." 

"Okay, Rimmer. Talk." 

He had to be strong. "No." 

"All right then." Lister began playing his guitar in the usual style -- horribly. He thought it best to begin with a rendition of the "Om" song. 

Less than a minute later, Rimmer couldn't take the torture any longer. What were his choices: talk, or death by guitar. 

Instead, he laughed. 

"I knew you thought my music was terrible, but I didn't think it was that funny." He smiled as he kept playing. 

"God, Listy," said Rimmer, "I've even come to love that terrible music of yours." 

The music stopped. Lister was frozen. 

Rimmer realized there was no use hiding the truth anymore. He got up and went over to where Lister was sitting. 

"The reason I came back is that I realized, by some freak of nature, that I not only missed having you around, but I loved you." 

Rimmer reached out a hand to touch Lister's face, then he kissed him. At first, Lister did nothing, still frozen. Then, for a moment, Lister went along with the kiss. When Lister realized what was happening, he pushed Rimmer away, and ran off to his own room. 

Lister went back and forth, moping and pacing in his room, for at least an hour. He was deeply disturbed. What disturbed him most was the reason he was deeply disturbed. The kiss had not disturbed him. What freaked him out was that he had enjoyed it. It brought back memories of that dream he'd had after Rimmer had left as Ace. He couldn't figure it out. He'd always loved women, not just loved them but _LOVED_ them. Was it just that he'd been more or less alone in space all this time? He didn't think so. He'd had that dream when Kochanski was aboard. Could it be that, after all the time they'd spent together on Red Dwarf and Starbug, he and Rimmer had fallen in love with each other? 

No, it couldn't be. If you're straight all you're life, you don't all of a sudden become gay, do you? No! Not even if you're all of a sudden the last human being alive and your only companions are men? He was starting to wonder. Did people fall in love with the whole person, or did they fall in love with the people themselves, their essense, irregardless of their sex? 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in." 

Rimmer entered, but didn't go much further than the doorway. "I wanted to apologize for what happened earlier, in..the...you know." 

"Don't apologize man." 

"Well what else am I going to do? We have to live on the same ship, and I'm trying to offer the first olive branch." 

"You don't need to man." 

"I don't need to apologize. Well...good. I'll leave you to your thoughts." 

"Wait, Rimmer. There's something I want to tell you. Come in, sit down." 

Rimmer did as he was told, doing his best to hide his nervousness. 

"Rimmer, after you'd left Red Dwarf, I missed you man. I'd even had this dream that you'd come back, and kissed me." 

Lister waited for a response, but got none. 

"I'm sorry I got so freaked out. You know, death has changed you for the better. That human Rimmer just couldn't compare to you man." 

Rimmer smiled and chuckled a little. 

"What I think I'm saying is, if I've got to be the last guy in this universe, that it wouldn't be such a pain to spend the rest of my days with a smeghead like you." 

"You mean that, Lister? You're not just saying that?" 

"What I'm saying is, I love you man." There, he'd said it. He felt so much better now that everything was out in the open. 

Rimmer couldn't believe his ears. It was more than he'd hoped for. He'd thought, at best, that Lister would be lonely enough to give him a go, and at worst, never speak to him again. But Lister said he loved Rimmer. 

Lister saw that his friend was in deep thought, still hesitant. He realized this time it would have to be him making the first move. He approached the sitting Rimmer, reached out to turn his head around, and kissed him. Rimmer stood, and they wrapped their arms around each other. 

"God, Listy, tell me this isn't a dream." 

"It's not a dream, you smeghead." Lister smiled in that annoyingly optimistic and beautiful way. 

As they kissed, years of resistance and denial slipped away. So did their clothing. All of a sudden, Lister remembered that Kryten may come in at any moment, and locked the door. He went back to Rimmer, and they sunk onto the floor. 

After several minutes, they lay in each others arms, mostly satisfied. 

"God, could I use a cigarette," Lister coulnd't help but comment. 

"What will we tell the others? Or will we tell them anything at all? Smeg, they still think I'm dead." 

"Don't worry about it, man. We'll figure something out. As long as we're together, we can go to smeggin hell and back, it won't matter. We're quite the team, you and I." 

"That we are, Listy. That we are." And with that, Rimmer backed his words up by kissing Lister again, and again, and again...   
  


The End. 


End file.
